Thank you.

Thank you, from me, and my husband.

We cannot thank all of you enough for all of the support that came from my last post. It was overwhelming! I am now in such a better place and really hope to stay on this path to connections and answers regarding Nick and I’s current struggles. I also hope, through our struggles, others will be able to read along with our story and know they are not alone, you just have to connect with the right people.

Our first miscarriage was in June, and I was devastated. I  got the call while I was at work at around 9 in the morning. I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor and cried. Luckily, since I work in a school there really wasn’t anyone there due to it being summer time. I was totally crushed. My husband was on a trip for work and wouldn’t be home until late that night. I was a mess. I finally decided to call my wonderful mother, who came and let me cry on her shoulder my whole lunch. No one in my family had ever had to deal with this. So she really couldn’t give me any answers as to why? Or was this normal? I was the first. Which is amazing for my mom and her mom and my other grandma and everyone else, truly it’s a blessing, but for me, it just left me with more questions: “Why? This doesn’t make any sense? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?”

What’s wrong with me? This question overtook me. Was I less of a woman because I couldn’t successfully carry my child? Was I a bad wife because I couldn’t do this for my husband? I have 2 younger sisters, I needed to pull myself together in case God forbid, they ever had to go through this. How was I going to tell them? What was wrong with me?

Finally, I went to pick my husband up, horrified of telling him what had happened. He thought I was going to tell him how our ultrasound had gone, and if I had gotten to hear the heartbeat. He climbed into the car, kissed me, and I fell apart. He was so amazing and understanding. He was very upset, yes, but he never once got mad at me or made me feel like it was my fault. He let me have time to grieve and then said whenever I was ready, and the doctor approved we would try again, and never lose our faith in the meantime. Now as amazing as he handled this, it was still a stress on our relationship. This was not part of our plans. We thought we would be pregnant lick-ity split and have no issues along the way.  We had to take a step back and realize that this may be a harder road than we anticipated. But we are strong and knew we could get through this.

Now, where to go from here? The doctor had told me numerous times that one was totally normal, and that we weren’t even going to talk about what we would do if it happened again because we were going to be positive! And we didn’t need to worry about that because it wouldn’t happen again…..but, it did happen again. Just a few weekends ago actually.  I felt even worse than the first time. I immediately took all the blame again. “I must have done something wrong, this has to be my fault. What’s wrong with me?”  My husband told me again and again that there was nothing I could have done and that we are in this together. Whatever it was, it’s not my fault. But as supportive he and our families were, I still needed an outlet. I needed to talk to someone who had gone through this. My doctor didn’t want to see me until October 9th, and I could not wait that long! I needed to know how they could overcome this sadness and feeling like my worth as a woman was dwindling down to nothing?

Hence, my post last week. I have now come in contact with several strong, brave, amazing women who have reached out and shared their stories of hardships, and triumphs. Some of them now have healthy beautiful babies, and others are still on the road to finding their answers. These awe-inspiring women have offered to help me through my journey and I could not be more appreciative. I feel like there is some hope now, knowing I am not the only one, that I am not any less of a woman or wife, and that life happens, whether it’s what we planned for or not, and we have to pick ourselves back up, face it, and move forward.

I am planning to continue my updates on here, as what I learn along the way may be able to help others who are going through the same thing. As I mentioned, I have an appointment with my OB on the 9th and will hopefully be getting some answers and find out what our next steps will be! I am ready! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to share! Send me an email or leave a comment! And thank you again for all the support, warm wishes, and prayers we have received. This is going to be a long ride, but I am determined to stay optimistic!

As always, stay sassy!